thanadoula
support
Death is our connection to life
In our work together we lighten the heaviness associated with death and we celebrate life. I assist by holding space mindfully for those who are dying and their families. By providing psycho-spiritual and emotional support, people feel free to love, to grieve, and to speak – to be who they need to be as they face death, or the loss of someone in their lives.
What does
thanadoula mean?
The term Thanadoula originates from Greek mythology - "Thanatos" means death and "Doula" means servant.
In my role as a Thanadoula, I am in service to the dying and the dead. It is a role of honour.
services
Dying and Death are unique to us all. How we feel, what we do, what we don’t do, how we process. We never know until we are there. In this environment, I support people so that they are present in themselves and with the situation. By being that shoulder, that sounding board, people can shed some of the misconceptions around death and dying. I do this by:
Spiritual and Emotional Support
In death avoidant societies such as those in western countries, people are uncomfortable around individuals who are dying. How do we sit and have every day conversations with a person who is dying without reminding them – or ourselves – that they won’t be here in months…or weeks…or days? Often, through no fault of our own, we do not have the tools to encourage those who are dying to live, day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment.
In my work as a thanadoula I support people who are dying by allowing them to be; I offer that person my non-judgemental emotional and spiritual care and companionship as they sail through the waters of dying that include anger, fear, guilt, and questioning. Whether we start our work together at the beginning (diagnosis) or towards the end of life, I help people by being present and offering that space.
Being a thanadoula is also a position of deep trust. Holding space for someone who is actively dying, who is moving from this life to the next is an honour. I mindfully dedicate myself to the person who is moving on.
It takes a team of supportive individuals to help enhance quality of life at end of life.
I provide that support mindfully, without judgement, and without imposing my belief system.
Grief Support
In recent times, society has recognized that many of our mental health and other physical disorders are caused by grief – unexpressed grief, unacknowledged grief, not given enough time to grieve, and most of all, a lack of understanding about loss and grief. But we are learning.
Grief is loss – whether that is the loss of a person, the loss of a job, the loss of relationship, the loss of what was once a part of our life … for everything that moves forward, there is a loss behind it. In order to free up space within us so that we have space for the abundance that is around us, that loss must be acknowledge and grieved.
In my profession as a Thanadoula, the grief support I provide to those who are dying, or those who will be losing someone from their lives is different because this type of grief is different. This grieving consumes people, impacts their lives in often devastating ways, making life feel as though it cannot be borne.
Society used to tell us how we were to grieve, what was appropriate, tell us to be stoic; show the world a brave face; it supported our lying to others but even worse, lying to ourselves. By grieving an impending loss, we release much of the emotion that would hold us paralyzed, unable to interact with the one dying in our normal ways. We cheat ourselves and them when we hold on to our grief so tight we do not show up in an authentic way.
If your grief is holding you back, carrying you to places that are making your life difficult, I would be happy to help you begin the healing process.
If you are someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one – impending or already past – I am honoured to help you sit with your grief and turn it into something manageable and honourable.
For families who are experiencing the anticipatory loss of someone dear to MAiD, I offer grief support that takes into account the unique circumstances of death. I am honoured to support the grief process around MAiD.
I provide grief support that helps clients acknowledge and sit with their grief, helping them work through it .
Family-directed Funerals
Family directed funerals allow families to provide for the care and disposition of their loved ones in a manner that was desired by the deceased, is honourable and loving to the deceased, and is in keeping with the values of the deceased and the family.
Most funeral homes welcome the opportunity to work with families who are directing the after death care of a loved one.
One of the benefits of a family directed funeral is being able to address the cost of after death care.
I offer guidance, information and resources to people who are considering a family directed funeral.
Home Funerals
Historically, a person who has died was cared for (washed, dressed, laid out for visitors) by his/her family. In doing this, a family spent final time with the deceased, grieving, communicating with that person through their touch, their voices, their tears and their laughter. With the advent of the funeral industry this loving time has been lost.
Today, families are distanced from the death of their loved ones, their last moments scheduled by others, and often have their grief judged and boxed.
Home funerals give the care of a loved one and time to spend with them back to families in a heart-centred home funeral. While the idea is to hold the wake or visitation in a home setting, a home funeral can also be held at other locations, including a funceral home. Most funeral homes welcome the opportunity to work with families who are holding a 'home funeral'.
I offer guidance, information and resources to people who are considering a home funeral.
*Note: For simplicity, the term “home funeral” is used to speak of the care of a deceased, and/or a wake or visitation time outside of a formal funeral home setting. It does not have to be at the home (house) of the family or the deceased.
Following required protocols, the care of a deceased person by their family is legal under the laws of Ontario.*
Creating the Environment
As our society explores dying, we know that immediate environment (silence, music, lighting, scents, people, etc.) plays a part in the quality of life. Whether someone is dying at home, in a medical facility, or in a palliative care facility, it is important that their environment bring them whatever peace it can as their life winds down.
I offer assistance to individuals and/or their families in helping to create that environment as best as can be done.
Supporting individuals accessing maid
I do not believe that anyone should die alone or un-witnessed. Regardless of how death approaches, a dying person needs to feel safe and loved as they journey from this life. Using MAiD to end suffering and allow a dignified death is a difficult decision made by the individual.
Families can find themselves emotionally unable to provide either non-judgement or to provide the support that is needed at the end of a life using MAID. Additional support helps individuals and families through this difficult time.
I am honoured to be present and emotionally supportive to the people who are coming to the end of life and their families.
Who includes a thanadoula
when dying?
The people who come to me for my services are those (or their families) who want the most peaceful dying that is possible. They want to be present for the time they have left. They may have questions or emotions that they cannot bring to others. They may need a person who is present for them.
Some people may need the gentle advocacy that my presence and voice provide. Others may need a buffer and I can be that as well.
Are you interested in finding out more?
No two clients or client families are the same and my services and time are tailored to suit individual’s needs.
I also provide the space for someone who is newly diagnosed with a life-ending (limiting) illness and who needs an ear and a heart now. Being newly diagnosed leaves people vulnerable. You may be on your own and not have a network of people who will be there for you, or you may have but need someone at the beginning who’s emotions you don’t have to protect so that you can be vulnerable in safety. I am here for you.
If you are one of these people, please contact me to schedule a time.
Two hours - $135.00
If you find that this is all you need, I’ll be happy to have served you.
For those who are considering thanadoula services, we begin with a consultation conversation whether I am being considered by the person who is dying or by the family of someone who is dying.
Initial Consultation - $120.00
The important services that thanadoulas provide are new concepts in dying and death, and end-of-life services for Canadians. Generally, our impact on the quality of someone’s dying isn’t known until they have had a thanadoula by their side, supporting them and their families. Having a death doula, however, is nothing new in human history.
This hour and a half consultation will allow us to get to know each other a bit and understand what are the reasonable expectations – on both sides. It gives potential clients the opportunity to ask questions and discuss details in more depth. It helps us set the boundaries of our relationship. It also helps us to see the rainbow of possibilities. Dying is about bringing quality to all the moments still to be lived and I am here to help.
Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.
Mary Oliver
Common Questions
I am confused about the role of a thanadoula. Are you a personal support worker? Do you provide help with housekeeping or errands?
No. A thanadoula works specifically with individuals in a psycho-spiritual and emotional way that helps people find answers within themselves, brings about less fear and tension around dying, provides the ear that someone needs to speak what they are feeling, and engages honestly and openly about dying.
I do not provide any physical services (i.e. bathing, toileting, feeding, housework, etc.). My work centres around those who are dying and their family on the emotional and spiritual levels, holding space when others cannot.
Do you provide thanadoula services to children?
No. Children who are dying need care by those who are familiar with a child’s psychology. I am not trained in child psychology and may not be able to provide the necessary types of communication and support a dying child might need.
If I am engaged in the service of an adult who is dying or providing support to the family, I am comfortable engaging and providing support to children who are part of the family.
Is being a thanadoula just about sitting with someone who is dying?
No. Being a thanadoula is mis-understood by many. My service is about building relationship with people, no matter the length of time we have, or what our services agreement looks like. At end of life, the energetic and spiritual forces change as a person transitions. I am a witness to that and hold that energy with awareness as they leave their physical body behind.
I have been diagnosed with a life-ending illness but my end of life may not be for two years into the future. How do you help me?
At the moment of diagnosis there are so many conflicting thoughts, emotions, and next steps. My role is to hold space for you while you sort through the initial chaos. I provide the ears and the heart that you don’t have to protect and therefore, can be yourself.
I am keenly aware of how many of us live alone and may not have family or close friends that we can speak to at a time such as this. I will be there for you.
Does that mean that I will have to see you on an ongoing basis to end of life?
No. Based on our conversations, clients determine their needs and how often they feel we should meet. I will also make myself available to the best of my ability should someone contact me unexpectedly.
My brother has just been moved to hospice which usually indicates that his end of life is near. Is it worth it for him to have a thanadoula at this time?
Absolutely! Depending on your brother, I may be the non-judgemental person he needs to hold space for him, to listen to him, to help steady him. Or for yourself and other family members, I may be the calm presence you need as you move through such a difficult time.
One of your services is creating the environment. What does that mean?
No matter who you are or what your life looks like, our physical environments impact our peace and how we respond to different circumstances, situations and people.
Whether it is about lighting, scents in a place, noise or music, our environment affects us.
It is important that an environment offer a dying person what they need to feel more peaceful, more loved and more present. Their comfort is a priority.
I see that you offer your services in support of people who choose to access Medical Assistance in Dying. Does that mean that you will speak to me or my family member about MAiD?
As a thanadoula, it is not my role to recommend any end-of-life options. My position is one of trust, confidentiality, comfort, and safety. It is the responsibility of a person’s medical team to discuss end-of-life options with the individual and, if appropriate and applicable, with their family.
However, as each circumstance will be different, in such a position of trust and honesty, I will respond to questions around MAiD by citing our legislation. I will then ask that further conversation be had with a qualified medical professional.
I hold no judgement about Medical Assistance in Dying. My services are always to provide the dying and their families with someone that they are comfortable with, someone in which they put their trust, and someone who holds all information, conversations and interactions with sensitivity and great respect for privacy.
Medical Assistance in Dying (MAiD) has been legal in Canada since 2016 and is a Charter Right for Canadians. It is included as part of our universal healthcare in Canada for those who meet the criteria. In March 2021 amendments were written into law to make MAiD more inclusive of our diverse society, and provide additional supports to information, choice and access to this procedure.
For additional information on MAiD, please go to Dying with Dignity Canada.
As a part of the "Patients’ Bill of Rights", every individual has the right to all information available in order that they can make informed medical decisions.
contact
Whether you have questions or are ready to work together, let’s begin with a complimentary phone call. I look forward to learning more about where you need support.