Harry, you are not unclaimed.
For a number of years now, I have been advocating – strongly – the need for everyone over the age of majority (which will depend on the country in which you live, of course) to create an Advance Care Plan.
I suggest to begin by informing yourself - ignore your discomfort. Take your time. Then get the information that you need to have about the requirements in your country or province of residence around advance care planning. And then take next steps.
I have shared information and encouragement, including recently a very pertinent encore article of White Coat Black Art done by the CBC. (If you’ve missed it, you can go to the article here.)
Knowing how important this is, I have created Advance Care modules where I will walk you through what a plan is, why it’s important, who is a POA and why are they necessary. Documents included. I have created this in a way that will stop ‘overwhelm’ in it’s tracks, and allow people to normalize the conversation - in their mind and in their lives. Because it is a normal part of life in 2025, just as car insurance is, just as renewing your auto-in-trouble membership is, and paying your taxes. It’s an important piece of your every day life, even if you don’t call on it every day.
Yet people still think they can put it off. Let me say:
If you’re thinking “I’m still young. I don’t need one now”, age has little bearing on the need for an Advance Care Plan. Life unfolds no matter how old you are.
I hear “I’m in great health and in a good place in my life. I don’t need one now”. Being in a place of health, or youth (whatever that means to you) and having some satisfaction with life is very much the time when one creates a plan. Life is seen more objectively and calmly, through eyes that are not turbulent with emotion, ever moving with possible loss and wide with overwhelm.
“Yeah, I’ll get around to it.” Hoa, boy. How many times have I heard this? Avoiding the first steps of a plan only temporarily makes us feel better. But gods be with us if something happens while we are lounging in a place of avoidance.
I’m writing this today with an urgent passion about Advance Care plans and for everyone who has been brushing this topic aside. I’m writing this from a place of being in the middle of what happens when an ACP hasn’t been created, or not carried out well. I share this with you in the hopes that it gives you pause and forces you to look at your life and the lives around you. I’m writing it because I’m now left to pick up the material and emotional pieces of the unexpected, without help from anyone save the Coroner’s office and Social Services in Toronto.
Here I am, in the middle of a mess, not of my own making.
My step-father died on February 28th of this year. I pray to the deity of the underworld that I am in relationship with that my step-father is accompanied along his journey to his next life.
He and I had not been in touch for many years. I am wondering how that happened because we got along famously. Lesson for all of us – time moves on, and before we know it five years has passed, a decade has passed.
At one time, many years ago, my step-father had asked me if I would be his POA for heath, as well as his estate executor. He had no biological kin of his own that was still living and I was as close as it came. I said yes, of course. He said he’d let his lawyers know, and that there were documents I had to sign. I waited. And didn’t hear anything back. Well, shortly afterwards, my own life went through some end-of-days type ups and downs that consumed my life for a few years. My step-father’s plans were far from my mind.
Life went on. For all of us. I had heard rumours through this person and that, and concluded that things were working out. Ah, hind sight.
My mother, who had been separated from my step father, died in 2023. Had he pre-deceased her, she would have been the beneficiary of whatever estate he left, and also the person responsible for attending to the administration that follows death. (And for those who don’t know, death has more forms, red tape, research, document requirements, and questions than almost any other aspect of life. And let us not forget the government who, in Canada, is represented by the Canada Revenue Agency (CRA) and who expects that a final tax return will be filed on behalf of the deceased person. Oh, gods have mercy.)
Moving to August 2023 and from out of nowhere, my nephew contacted me to tell me that my step-father was moving into dementia and his doctor and social worker were looking for his POA. Was that me? I responded that we had had that conversation, I hadn’t signed anything, but yes, I was willing to step into that role. I gave him my telephone number, and told him that he could pass that on. I also said I would not act in my step-father’s capacity as a POA through him (my nephew). (Family dynamics at play here and my nephew was not, and is not, welcome in my life.) I was not contacted by anyone.
Let me fast forward you to Wednesday, May 14th when I received a text from my son, who had received a text from someone else, who received a text … you get the picture. My step-father has died and they are looking for his POA or estate executor, and it is assumed that I am that person.
I thought it was a crank. How could this be? I had expressly given my telephone number and permission to pass it on in 2023. How could this be? Everyone knew my name. Google me and I come up. They all (my nephews) knew people who knew me, as is evidenced by someone finally reaching my son. I had a FB account for heaven’s sake, on which I had been very active. And while there wasn’t much activity in 2024, it does have information that leads people to my website where my contact information is bold as can be. How could they not have found me?
Did I mention family dynamics? <sigh>
THIS is why each of us needs to take the time to create an Advance Care Plan.
Had a proper ACP been in place, my step-father’s social worker would have had the information that an ACP was in place and I would have been contacted immediately by social services as his physical and mental health started to decline, to work for the best treatments and outcomes for my step-father prior to his death.
Had a proper ACP been in place, my name and contact information would have been known by all, including my step-father’s financial institution.
Had a proper ACP been in place, I would not have received - by way of time and varying texts involving how many people - a request to call the Coroner’s Unclaimed office.
Had a proper ACP been in place, the disposition of my step-father’s body would not have been questioned and his body would have been treated with the dignity and respect not only that all bodies should be, but one that reflected the esteem in which he was held by most people.
My step-father and I have not spoken in years but there was no harsh blood between us. I would never have allowed this treatment of his now unanimated body. He would never be “unclaimed”. The indignity of that word. As if he didn’t ever matter. He did.
This experience shines the light on how little it takes to throw the wrenches into your wishes and hopes. Whether it’s before death or after death, your voice resides in your Advance Care plan and its dissemination. In this awful experience, it was easy for one mean-spirited person to manipulate so many and cause trouble. I hope that something like this doesn’t happen to you. But it could, just as easily.
Please, for your sake, for the sake of those you leave behind, please have a plan that everyone knows about, that will bring about your wishes for your life and your death, if it comes to that.
For my step-father, what happens next? I have given my authorization for his cremation and I will receive his cremains. Other wishes that have been alluded to may not be possible. I will do the best I can with what I have to work with. I will say this:
He is not unclaimed. I claim him. Nicholas claims him. My grandsons claim him. Time is of no consequence.
He lived a simple life. For him, a good laugh and a beer were sufficient.
He was a loving and generous man.
He is remembered.
A necessary note:
I think that most of us do not know the seriousness with which the Coroner’s office (I suspect any coroner’s office) takes its duties when trying to notify next of kin. After speaking with two people who used their meagre resources from their respective offices to try to find me, I have a new respect for those who are involved. This includes police, in this case not only in Ontario but in Alberta as well. It was a jumble of lack of information (which included not having my full surname) intentional obstruction on my nephew’s part, and working with decades old assumptions, that they were not successful in locating me sooner. It wasn’t, however, for lack of trying.
I want to say thank you to all of those people - civil and law enforcement - who worked to reunite Harry with those that loved him.